she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
