my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
