You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
