hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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