It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
