How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
