1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize