Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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