How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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