I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
