Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
