Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
