I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she peed on how many people?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
