I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
