My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
