Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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