I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
