I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
