Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
