I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
