Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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