R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
