Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
