No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i now understand why vodka
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
