She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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