This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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