You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
