i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize