and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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