I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
