Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I love having hate sex.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
