3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
