a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Everclear isn't food dammit
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
