And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Did I show you my penis last night?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
