My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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