There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
