conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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