Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize