I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
