i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
