you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
