I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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