So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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