People in love make me want to vomit
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
