He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
