i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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