i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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