I murdered the dance floor call the cops
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
