Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
