is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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