Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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