My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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