He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
