oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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